It’s harder to write this time.
Great news, for sure. But there’s more to it this time around.
Because I’m grateful, and I’m scared. I’m filled with anticipation about the future, and I’m still sad about the past. I am amazed at God’s goodness, and I wonder why God gave this to us, again, this soon, but didn’t do it for my friends. Friends I have prayed for, literally, for years. I’d wait longer if it could happen for them first.
And I want to control what you think of the news.
Too soon to try again? Too soon to tell the world?
I want you to think what Curtis and I think on this one.
That waiting longer to try again would not necessarily lessen the fears for that second try. That we can grieve Kate and Lucy while learning to love and hope and pray for a future child. We know that the latter does not fix or replace losing the former. We also know that the pain of losing the girls does not keep us from knowing joy and celebration again.
Most of all, we know that we are wired to do life in community. So if we lose this child too, you will be there, just like you have been these past few months. And we will mourn together. It’s early, just 6 and half weeks, and that might happen.
Or it might not. And I will not let the fear win. Now is the time to rejoice. And you know I’m all about jumbling rejoicing and mourning together if it bring our lives into more authentic community.
God is being very kind to us. We are expecting a child, due December 20, 2012.