when you have a baby after losing babies…
you will tour the hospital and walk smack into the room where you lost them.
then you will cry. crying that wells up from your gut subconsciously, because you thought you were just walking down the hall.
you will feel embarrassed, because you have become used to warning people if this might happen. normally, you hold up your neon triangle sign– ‘caution: grieving momma’–warning a person who might walk into your sadness, so they are not caught of guard. but you forgot to tell this lovely nurse-turned-tour guide this time, because you wanted to just be an excited momma-to-be and not a sad momma-in-grief.
you will be grateful that you asked all your important questions at the table before the tour, because you won’t be able to think of any more.
you will wonder if you will deliver new baby in the same room where you delivered lost babies, because there aren’t that many room choices. and you will wonder if that is too much or sort of redemptively beautiful.
someone wise and kind will tell you that now you don’t have to experience all this on the real day that is all about excitement and meeting baby because you’ve already experienced it. you are now free to reenter that space for the third time and have it be detached from the past and repurposed for the future.
and you may just find that you don’t mind that you stopped dead in your tracks and cried in front of the entire medical staff who walked between you and room 5.